Why People Avoid Pain

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I’ve spend 19 years coaching thousands of people, testing every approach you can imagine. Now I’m handing you the do’s, don’ts, and proven strategies that actually work. Why? So you can skip the trial-and-error and become the BEST coach your clients will ever meet—faster than you thought possible.

Coaching will include a frequent visit to the topic of pain.
You will watch and experience the different ways that people interact with pain.
It’s fascinating.
I don’t know what your experience is with pain…and how you label it, but I can assure you that while you coach others you will see a need to fix and upgrade your point of view of it. 

Through others, you will see how you never want to be towards pain…and…you will see what you WISH you were like with pain.

The way in which we each see pain will limit us or take us to levels that absolutely surprise us.
It’s not fear that stops us… it’s the anticipation of pain.

Pain

Why do people avoid pain?
Make sense, if it hurts… don’t do it, right?
Hmmmm…

What if it stings to make a phone call?
What if it’s nerve racking to do a presentation?
What if asking for the sale turns your gut inside out?
Those are all variations of pain.

We’re wired to seek comfort and avoid discomfort.
Pain, whether physical, emotional or mental - triggers the brain's threat system. The body reads it as “DANGER, SURVIVAL IS AT RISK”. 
So we NATURALLY RESIST. 

But here’s the paradox: The very pain we avoid is often the doorway to growth.

The REASON

The core reason we avoid pain is… we confuse pain with harm. 
But they are not the same.

👉 Harm = Damages
👉 Pain = Stretches

When we mistake growth=pain for damage, we run.
When we realize it’s actually the resistance band building our strength, we lean in.

“When someone is in pain, 
don’t be positive, 
be present.”
~Elayna Fernandez

The REFRAME

Time for a Reframe - To look at this situation, thought, or experience from a new angle or perspective. You don’t change the “thing”, you change the meaning you give to it.

1. Acknowledge the Pain (Don’t dismiss it) If you jump straight to “find the good in it”, people shut down. Start by validating.

   1. “Yes, that was hard”

   2. “That loss really hurt”

   3. “It makes sense you’d feel that way.”

   2. This builds trust and opens them up to see a new angle.

2. Witnessing - Name it to Tame it When people feel seen, their pain starts to loosen it’s grip

   1. Help them name the pain. Ask curious open questions - Where do you feel it the most? What’s the story around it?

   2. Validate the experience. Acknowledge their suffering without minimizing it. “That sounds heavy. Anyone would feel this way.”

3. Separate Pain from Harm. Teach them the distinction:

   1. Harm = damage (what breaks you).

   2. Pain = stretching (what grows you).

   3. Ask: “was this pain stretching your, or actually harming you?”

   2. The reframe alone can shift their entire relationship with struggle

4. Ask the Pivot Question

   1. “What else could this mean?”

   2. “What is pain training you for right now?”

   3. “If pain was your teacher, what lesson is it trying to give you?”

   2. This turns pain into a mentor instead of a monster.

5. Help them see both sides:

   1. Without pain = no growth, no depth, no resilience.

   2. With pain = new strength, awareness, and compassion.

   2. I sometimes say: “Pain is the receipt that proves you’re in the game of growth”.

6. Anchor with a Metaphor. Metaphors stick better than advice. A few you could teach:

   1. Gym Muscle Burn = Pain is proof of growth

   2. Fire Refining Gold = Heat removes impurities

   3. Shoes Breaking in = Discomfort makes them fit right

7. Guide them to re-tell the story.

   1. Instead of: ”My divorce ruined me.”

      1. Reframe to: “My divorce showed me who I really am and what I value in love”

   2. Instead of: “Failing at that job proved I’m not good enough.”

      1. Reframe to: “That job was the training ground that prepared me for the real opportunity.”

8. Have them Create a Reframe Statement. Ask them to write a new story about their pain in one powerful line.

   1. Examples:

      1. “This pain isn’t punishment, it’s preparation.”

      2. “My scars are not proof I was broken, they’re proof I healed.”

      3. “Pain is the tuition I paid for wisdom.”

      4. “I see more clearly now, where before I was going the wrong way.”

      5. “I’m more present now and more connected because I know what it feels like.”

      6. “Pain is not a monster, it’s a reminder, a wake up call.”

      7. “Pain connects me to humanity, I am human and this is real.”

When you work through a Reframe you’re not erasing the pain - you’re upgrading the meaning so there can be strength to move forward, instead of sitting in wounds.

Healing from pain is the next step.
I’ll cover that in next week's email.
I’ll also include the top 10 fail points a person trips up on while facing pain.

Pain is real. 
Everyone feels it in some way.
Just remember as a Coach, each person feels pain in their own unique way.
No two clients are the same way.
Don’t assume you know how they are experiencing it.
Ask questions to understand them.

The first time I heard Andy Grammer’s song, “Wish you Pain”,  I was on the lake with my family in our boat.
My son played this song over the speakers.
It shocked me. What did he say???
I had to listen to it 3 more times to get the message.
Then I felt the message. WOW!!!
It changed my Point of View right there on the spot.
Take a listen to it…

Talk to you next week.

Kirk

***Andy Grammer says it best in his song called “Wish you Pain”***

Click here to listen to the song and see lyrics: https://youtu.be/12Us5nPWouY?si=IANy5aj_yB8rXIpQ

Lyrics:
I hope your doubts come like monsters and terrorize your dreams
I hope you feel the lonely hopelessness
'Cause no one else believes
I hope you question whether you
Ever really had a chance at all

I hope your fear is thick like poison that gets into your blood
I hope you push until you cannot breathe
And it's still not enough
I hope you put your life out on the line
And everybody watches while you fall

'Cause I love you more than you could know
And your heart, it grows every time it breaks
I know that it might sound strange
But I wish you pain

Wish you pain
It's hard to say
But I wish you pain

I hope people break their promises and leave you in the cold
I hope they beat your heart to pieces
Worse than you've ever known
I hope you finally arrive
Only to find you're nowhere close

I hope you cry and tears come streaming down your face
I hope this life traps you in more than you thought you could ever take
I hope the help you want never comes
And you do it on your own

'Cause I love you more than you could know
And your heart, it grows every time it breaks
I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain
Wish you pain
It's hard to say
But I wish you pain

I love you more than you could even know
Been here before and I just wanna see you grow
Want you to grow

'Cause everything that matters most
That's where it goes by a different name
I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain
I wish you pain
It's hard to say
Wish you pain

I love you more than you could even know
I've been here before and I just wanna see you grow
Want you to grow

Stronger ~ Lighter ~ Smarter

Coach Kirk