Welcome to the “How to Coach” weekly newsletter.
This is where I share insights, training, do’s, and don’ts from my 19 years of experience, so you can progress faster than I did and learn what I wish I’d known sooner!
All in the pursuit of YOU becoming the BEST coach your clients will ever meet.

Upcoming Event:  Coach Beneath the Surface
Modern day coaching requires more intuition and insight to
produce the type of results clients really want.
If you’re coaching clients and still relying mostly on what they say,
you’re missing the real story.

Coach Beneath the Surface
Friday, August 1st
7:30am–9:00am MST
Go here to register: 3ke.to/surface

You don’t need more worksheets…you need sharper senses.

How to Recover from a Derailed Coaching Appointment

Not all coaching appointments go smoothly.

Just because the appointment falls apart doesn't mean it has to end that way.

I had been coaching for about 18 months when I had my first big C-R-A-S-H of an appointment.

I drove home that day baffled….”what did I do wrong”....after all this work this client was still soooooo….confused, lost!  Wow, my coaching must be lame if they are this bad off.  Good thing I stepped back to take a bigger view of what had just happened.

Would a client unconsciously sabotage the appointment?

A client might use confusion (whether consciously or unconsciously) during an appointment to derail the plan for several psychological or emotional reasons. Here's a breakdown of 8 Reasons why this happens, what it could mean, and what’s often underneath it:

Avoidance of Responsibility

• Why: Confusion acts as a smokescreen.

• What it means: They may not want to commit to action steps or outcomes.

• What’s underneath: Fear of failure, success, or being held accountable.

Subconscious Resistance

• Why: Confusion can be a defense mechanism.

• What it means: They’re resisting growth or change.

• What’s underneath: Inner conflict. They want results, but fear what transformation might demand of them.

Control Through Chaos

• Why: Derailing the plan gives them control of the session.

• What it means: They’re used to running the show with drama, vagueness, or shifting the goalposts.

• What’s underneath: A survival pattern—especially if they grew up in unpredictable environments.

Testing Boundaries

• Why: They may unconsciously challenge your structure to see if you'll hold it.

• What it means: They're asking, “Can I trust you to lead me through my confusion?”

• What’s underneath: A deep need for safety, structure, and to see if you’re strong enough to hold space for their chaos.

Overthinking or Analysis Paralysis

• Why: They get caught in spirals of “what ifs” or obsessive thinking.

• What it means: They may genuinely feel lost or overwhelmed.

• What’s underneath: Anxiety, perfectionism, or trauma around making mistakes.

Secondary Gain

• Why: Staying confused gets them something (attention, sympathy, lowered expectations).

• What it means: Progress threatens the “benefits” of staying stuck.

• What’s underneath: Subconscious reward loops keeping them in their comfort zone.

Learned Helplessness

• Why: They’ve been trained to act incapable to avoid pressure.

• What it means: “I don’t know” becomes a habit rather than a reality.

• What’s underneath: Low self-esteem, history of being criticized or controlled.

Drama as Identity

• Why: Confusion keeps the story alive.

• What it means: They might not know who they are without the struggle.

• What’s underneath: Identity wounds, or fear of becoming “boring” or “unseen” if they become clear and calm.

Don’t get sidetracked by people who are not on track.

What You Can Do as the Coach:

• Mirror it back: “It sounds like there’s a lot of fog here. Do you notice this happening often when clarity is close?”

• Anchor the frame: Gently hold them to the original plan or goal of the session.

• Pause and reset: “Would it help if we slowed down and clarified one piece at a time?”

• Name the pattern (when appropriate): “I notice confusion shows up right when we’re about to decide something important—do you notice that too?”

• OR

• Share a Personal Experience about you getting through a confusing time.

• Share a Gold Nugget of wisdom - any topic, something that is meaningful to you.

• Then wrap up the appointment. You don’t have to end the appointment in a confused/chaos tone.

Once you catch on and see the signals of confusion being used in an appointment you can step right in and take over so the appointment won' t crash. I crashed way too many times when I first started and I really thought I must be a terrible coach.  Once I saw this…and started to take action to rectify it, I was back in the driver's seat in the appointment.

If you are an empathetic person…be aware that confusion energy can be projected from the other person and can get into your energy field. A confused person can cause you to feel like you are a confused person, too.  When this happens, reject the invitation to receive that energy and STAY in your own state of being.

Love the people,
Kirk

19+ years: Seminars / Coaching
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Stronger ~ Lighter ~ Smarter

Coach Kirk