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How I coach couples to love each other again

and what to do next time you're working with a struggling relationship

I’ve lost count of the number of couples who’ve told me they were on the verge of divorce before they met me… but because of what I shared, they took some steps… did the work… and everything changed.

They came back saying they’re now more in love than EVER before.

This isn’t to brag - it’s just to let you know that what I’m about to tell you about coaching couples isn’t something I just pulled out of a fortune cookie.

It’s been battle-tested and proven to work for every couple I’ve worked with for about 20 years.

So I’ll teach you:

  1. The one step you CANNOT skip when you start coaching a couple

  2. The super underrated and overlooked action step to give the couple to start solving the problem

  3. How to leverage the fact that there are no new problems on planet earth.

First thing’s first - what actually is the problem?

Often the first challenge isn’t even solving what’s wrong - it’s getting the couple to agree on what the problem even is.

This could take an entire session - maybe even two.

But do NOT move forward until the problem is clearly written down, defined, and mutually agreed upon between the couple.

So how do you do this?

Ask each of them to define the problem in their own words.

Bring together what each of them wrote and see how you can synthesize each of their descriptions of the problem into a single statement.

Keep the conversation going, and help them see how they are likely fighting for the same thing, just in different ways.

Okay, you’ve got them to agree on the problem.

Now what?

Have the couple schedule times to continue talking about the problem. Coach them to pick at least 3 times throughout the week, with at least 30 minutes scheduled each time.

Half the battle, half the time, is simply getting them to talk about it enough to get their thoughts and feelings out in the open. Too many couples just shut down early on and the conversation stops. As long as they have scheduled time to keep talking, the progress can continue.

The other challenge is that one or both people often bring up the issue at really inopportune moments when the other isn’t ready to talk about it. So scheduling it out ensures they’re mentally and emotionally prepared to keep talking.

Okay - number 3! There are no new problems.

Sure, it might seem like today we have increasingly complicated issues that never existed before… and in one way, you could argue you’re right. But I argue that’s not true. They’re just packaged differently. When you truly boil any problem down to the core - it’ll be the same kind of problem that people have been working to solve for millenia.

And why’s that a good thing?

It means that simply coaching your couple through higher education on the topic has a REALLY high chance of helping them solve their own problems!

There are millions of life-altering books on relationships, communication, family, marriage, teamwork, forgiveness, etc that already contain the secrets your couple needs.

So recommend them one you’re familiar with, or help them find one that resonates with them both. Ideally a shorter book so it doesn’t feel overwhelming.

And like before… help them schedule time to read the book together! Even a few pages a day will get their gears turning, new ideas popping up, and keep them open-minded to solutions they may have not tried before.

Alright, one more bonus tip!

After you’ve defined the problem, get them talking about it on a regular basis, and they’re on an education routine for learning more about the topic… one more thing has been the secret sauce in my own marriage.

It’s touch.

Some form of physical connection, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.

The typical thing I recommend is to take turns giving each other foot massages.

They don’t even have to talk if they’re still feeling upset at each other… but it still gets them connecting.

Too mad at each other for foot massages? Have them sit together and watch a movie. This at least gets them in the same room together, and can be the tiny spark that may lead to more connection.

The BEST type of touch is what my wife and I call “Sway”. It’s basically just a slow dance to a slow song where you… you guessed it… just hold each other and sway back and forth!

We love it because it requires no skill, no thought, and no prep.

Literally just turn on a slow song, grab your spouse, and sway for 3 minutes (or however long the song is you choose).

One time my wife were having a knock-down, drag-out fight about something and my adult son happened to be in the other room.

He turned on a slow song… and we understood the queue.

We walked out of the home-office, barely held pinkies, and swayed. Over the 3 minutes though… we got closer… and by the end were in full embrace.

The problem still wasn’t solved, but we were connected again.

In a much healthier place to be able to attack the PROBLEM together, instead of attacking each other.

So next time you’re coaching a couple - you have my exact playbook for coaching them through to success!

What’s your best marriage advice? Hit reply and let me know!

Quote of the week:

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

Mignon McLaughlin

Song of the week:

This is one of the songs my wife and I often sway to!

- Kirk

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